Single Guests

Dear WP,

Cath and Stefan have made great use of the Internet in planning their wedding --your blog and the annotated Google map of the Northeast Kingdom are among my favorite innovations thus far. My question to you is in the "freedom of Information" category... a freedom made so simple by modern technology.

See, I'm single and as a matter of etiquette I am wondering if it would be untoward to ask Cath and Stefan for a spreadsheet of their RSVP list with a column for martial status color coded for: married (grey), dating-but-not-married (blue), single-but-not-playing-for-my-team (pink), and swinging single (green means go!). I wouldn't go so far as to ask for pictures (now THAT would be gauche), but I would love a head start on the available flirting pool and I just know they are sitting on a gold mine of information!

Almost too shy to ask,

- List Lover

Dear List,

In a day that will undoubtedly be filled with romance and magical expectation, it is natural to feel that luck will be on your side and that you too may swept up by the love that perfumes the Vermont air. Handsome strangers in their fashionable best cast alluring glances and the dance floor hums with anticipation. Hands linger as busboys hand out the champagne glasses, heaving bosoms hover over the crab dip. Ah yes, ardor is in the atmosphere!

This said, I hope it won't dampen your determination to know that every person attending Cath and Stefan's wedding is already in a committed and loving relationship. Each and every person at the ceremony will only have eyes for their mate and will have felt that way for most of their lives. In fact, census data tells us that Vermont is a state where 99% of the inhabitants are in a marriage or civil union that they find "intoxicatingly fulfilling". Therefore, the likelihood of there being any green coded names on the list is virtually nil because every person has the good sense to know that the lonely and hermetic existence of the unloved is unhealthy and to be avoided. My suggestion - make your "flirting pool" the margarita punchbowl.

Dive in!

- The Wedding Planner

Support

Dear Wedding Planner,

As a good friend of the bride, I am concerned. I could try and explain (by going back 37 years to the root of it) but I'll be brief. Basically, the bride is very uncomfortable with being the center of attention. She just cannot stand it. Since this is HER wedding and she will be showered with love, affection and attention, I anticipate a complete withdrawal, or worse!

As guests, is there anything we should be doing to help her in this situation?

Sigmund

Dear Sigmund,

Some psychoanalytic theory states that a shy bride is just a shy bride. And there are other theories that say a shy bride is a phallus. Whatever the reason behind this reticent behavior, one thing is clear ... the bride will need to be "reborn" through a process known as "rebirthing" or "compression" therapy where all close friends sit on her the night before the big day, feeding her only cold oatmeal while the "sitters" enjoy tasty snacks, beverage, long, long rambling toasts and dancing. After this evening is over, she will be "reborn" into her wedding day and her discomfort with all the attention will be replaced by a relief that she can once again breathe.

This therapy has a very high success rate and I am SURE she will thank you for your help and concern. Either that or she will revert to the anal phase.

- The Wedding Planner

Tone

Dear Wedding Planner,

I'm in a quandary. It's really hard to strike the proper balance between 'Yeah, wedding's are alright I guess' and 'I'm marrying the woman of my dreams' - what do you recommend?

- The Groom

Dear Groom,

Celebrating your union can certainly be a roller coaster of emotions! Often the pressure to act perfectly becomes overwhelming and it is hard to find balance in the flurry of plans and activities. Just remember, this is a magical time for you and your betrothed. You should cherish this time together as you look forward to the co-mingling of your souls. Just relax, perhaps try some meditation, yoga or hot teas. Not for you? How about gambling, tequila and big hunks of cheese?

You should also try a Xanex for that nightmare you’ve described.

- The Wedding Planner

Performances

Dear As A Wedding Planner,

I am considering making an appearance during the wedding weekend in the costume of an S&M clown--"Randy," one half of a duo that originally included the bride to be in the guise of "Crotchety Ann." I would like this appearance to be sort of a "Cath Kane, This Is Your Life," moment, with Randy a little fuller in the belly and his red yarn hair a little thinner on top, and a bit jaded about the 17 less-than-successful years that have passed since he last saw Crotchety Ann.

Do you think Randy's appearance would be best:

a) As guests arrive to the wedding ceremony?

b) As the ceremony begins. (I picture running up to the barn, beating on the doors or a window, and yelling "Cane! Cane!" somewhat like Dustin Hoffman does in the Graduate.)

c) As the bride and groom leave the ceremony?

d) During the toasts at the reception?

Also, do you know of anyone in East Burke who would rents by the hour a red 1968 Alfa Romeo Spider convertible?

Oh, and have you ever seen Stephan in a fist fight? Does he punch hard? It's probably better that I know in advance.

Thanks, your Pal,

Randy

Dear Randy,

Have you seen Stefan? Clearly he doesn’t punch at all so, I suggest you stay in costume the entire weekend.

- The Wedding Planner

Hygeine

dear wedding planner:

I plan on staying in a tent and when i camp i get grubby.

is bathing required during the weekend?

sincerely,

grubby tenter

Dear Grubby-

Nothing is required when we are celebrating the magical co-mingling of two cherished souls. However, from the way you have phrased your question, it sounds as if you are bringing a one man tent. If you plan to keep it that way, then bathing is certainly optional.

- The Wedding Planner

Food

Dear Wedding Planner,

I have been reading your column and finding it very helpful. The question I have is this: I am not a vegan. Will there be anything I can eat at Cath and Stefan's wedding? I lost five pounds at a recent wedding where all they served was salad. Would it be really inappropriate to bring some meatloaf in a small, white igloo cooler?

Yours,

Fed up

Dear Fed,

I think it wonderful that you would think to match your igloo cooler to the virginal white dress of the bride! But, in answer to your question - at this point the there is still some discussion as to whether the buffet should be strictly vegan or kosher raw only. So, if there is any concern that one of these diets may present a health problem, by all means, bring your meatloaf. However, I suggest, for etiquette sake, that you tell other guests you are diabetic and inject the meat intravenously.

Be well.

- The Wedding Planner

Vermont Governance

Dear Wedding Planner,

Who rules the Northeast Kingdom? An autocratic monarch or a benevolent dictator? I ask because I am a recently-deposed ruler looking for a new home and people to enslave.

Cordially,

Fallen despot

Dear Fallen,

In answer to your festive question - over the past twenty years, Vermont has experienced many and varied systems of governance - from benevolent dictatorship (Howard Dean) to New York style socialism (Bernard Sanders) to autocratic diarchy (Ben and Jerry). Nobody can say that Vermonters' leadership hasn’t run the gamut politically! Of course, since the Northeast Kingdom unofficially seceded from the state in 1982, it has leaned toward anarchic consensus governance with an incarnate head of state. However, between you and me, currently the Kingdom is between rulers. For the time being, while the public comes to an agreement on what form the new order should take, temporary leadership has been granted to a Holstein in Irasburg. So, from a wedding planner’s point of view, August 23^rd would be an excellent opportunity to start a fledgling colonial empire! Furthermore, Cath and Stefan’s wedding should be a great place to initiate enslavement as there will many subjects there with childbearing hips and healthy teeth.

Good Luck!

- The Wedding Planner

Etiquette

Dear Wedding Planner,

I have attended many of Cath and Stefan's parties in the past and it seems that anything goes. There has always been all manner of lewd behavior, trash talk and iffy language. Will the wedding be different? Can you give any tips on what is allowed and what crosses the lines of decorum?

Sincerely,

Freak-on

Dear Freak,

Weddings should always display the individual character of the couple. Remember we are celebrating the uniqueness of their love and that can be demonstrated in many ways. For example, one delightful couple for whom I planned a wedding loved puppies so, the obvious choice was to cover the tables with real puppy fur and to allow barking and chew toys. In the case of Cath and Stefan, we do not want to limit behaviors that come naturally to them and even work to cement their union. Therefore, freaking will be allowed with the following exceptions:

1. Animals
2.Pregnant Ladies
3. Babies
4. The Water Supply

So let's stick to these few rules and keep things fun for everyone!

-The Wedding Planner

Sanitation

Dear Wedding Planner,

Do you think there will be bathrooms at Cath and Stefan's wedding? I've never used an outhouse, and I'm afraid of splinters and spiders.
Please reply soon. My therapist is very busy.
Yours,

Slightly Creeped Out

Dear Slightly,

Don't be silly, Vermont is not habitat for any large spider species and the toilet seats will be of the finest terracotta. So, no chance of spider bites or splinters! I would be far more afraid of bears and VD.

-The Wedding Planner

Dress

Dear Wedding Planner,

I hear that there is a costume portion of this weekend and I was wondering if you could confirm this. Once said portion of costuming is confirmed, is there a costume theme at all?

On the topic of dress and various states of undress, what is the dress code in general? Is clothing actually required? When you say casual I think shorts and maybe a collared short sleeve shirt but when people say casual in NYC it means two steps above that. What step should we plan for?

Yours,

Costumed and Casual

Dear Costumed,

There are so many definitions of casual that it can make dressing ones self for special occasions a true puzzler! In New York City, often casual will mean fishnets and headbands but I know at my work, when we say "Casual Fridays", we often mean naked. One man's casual cummerbund is another man's fancy, thick, satin belt!

To answer your question, you should probably plan for everything. I know that many guests have discussed bringing a wardrobe trailer and stylist and, while that may be a little over the top, you might want to consider at least a lighting assistant. As a point of reference, the bride will have 5 costume changes in the first 10 minutes of the ceremony that range from madras collared shirts to a wimple.

As far as the costume portion of the wedding, the theme, of course, this year is the environment. In a time of global climate crisis, we can show our love for mother earth by honoring her with costume and then spilling wine down ourselves.


- The Wedding Planner