Single Guests

Dear WP,

Cath and Stefan have made great use of the Internet in planning their wedding --your blog and the annotated Google map of the Northeast Kingdom are among my favorite innovations thus far. My question to you is in the "freedom of Information" category... a freedom made so simple by modern technology.

See, I'm single and as a matter of etiquette I am wondering if it would be untoward to ask Cath and Stefan for a spreadsheet of their RSVP list with a column for martial status color coded for: married (grey), dating-but-not-married (blue), single-but-not-playing-for-my-team (pink), and swinging single (green means go!). I wouldn't go so far as to ask for pictures (now THAT would be gauche), but I would love a head start on the available flirting pool and I just know they are sitting on a gold mine of information!

Almost too shy to ask,

- List Lover

Dear List,

In a day that will undoubtedly be filled with romance and magical expectation, it is natural to feel that luck will be on your side and that you too may swept up by the love that perfumes the Vermont air. Handsome strangers in their fashionable best cast alluring glances and the dance floor hums with anticipation. Hands linger as busboys hand out the champagne glasses, heaving bosoms hover over the crab dip. Ah yes, ardor is in the atmosphere!

This said, I hope it won't dampen your determination to know that every person attending Cath and Stefan's wedding is already in a committed and loving relationship. Each and every person at the ceremony will only have eyes for their mate and will have felt that way for most of their lives. In fact, census data tells us that Vermont is a state where 99% of the inhabitants are in a marriage or civil union that they find "intoxicatingly fulfilling". Therefore, the likelihood of there being any green coded names on the list is virtually nil because every person has the good sense to know that the lonely and hermetic existence of the unloved is unhealthy and to be avoided. My suggestion - make your "flirting pool" the margarita punchbowl.

Dive in!

- The Wedding Planner

Support

Dear Wedding Planner,

As a good friend of the bride, I am concerned. I could try and explain (by going back 37 years to the root of it) but I'll be brief. Basically, the bride is very uncomfortable with being the center of attention. She just cannot stand it. Since this is HER wedding and she will be showered with love, affection and attention, I anticipate a complete withdrawal, or worse!

As guests, is there anything we should be doing to help her in this situation?

Sigmund

Dear Sigmund,

Some psychoanalytic theory states that a shy bride is just a shy bride. And there are other theories that say a shy bride is a phallus. Whatever the reason behind this reticent behavior, one thing is clear ... the bride will need to be "reborn" through a process known as "rebirthing" or "compression" therapy where all close friends sit on her the night before the big day, feeding her only cold oatmeal while the "sitters" enjoy tasty snacks, beverage, long, long rambling toasts and dancing. After this evening is over, she will be "reborn" into her wedding day and her discomfort with all the attention will be replaced by a relief that she can once again breathe.

This therapy has a very high success rate and I am SURE she will thank you for your help and concern. Either that or she will revert to the anal phase.

- The Wedding Planner