Single Guests

Dear WP,

Cath and Stefan have made great use of the Internet in planning their wedding --your blog and the annotated Google map of the Northeast Kingdom are among my favorite innovations thus far. My question to you is in the "freedom of Information" category... a freedom made so simple by modern technology.

See, I'm single and as a matter of etiquette I am wondering if it would be untoward to ask Cath and Stefan for a spreadsheet of their RSVP list with a column for martial status color coded for: married (grey), dating-but-not-married (blue), single-but-not-playing-for-my-team (pink), and swinging single (green means go!). I wouldn't go so far as to ask for pictures (now THAT would be gauche), but I would love a head start on the available flirting pool and I just know they are sitting on a gold mine of information!

Almost too shy to ask,

- List Lover

Dear List,

In a day that will undoubtedly be filled with romance and magical expectation, it is natural to feel that luck will be on your side and that you too may swept up by the love that perfumes the Vermont air. Handsome strangers in their fashionable best cast alluring glances and the dance floor hums with anticipation. Hands linger as busboys hand out the champagne glasses, heaving bosoms hover over the crab dip. Ah yes, ardor is in the atmosphere!

This said, I hope it won't dampen your determination to know that every person attending Cath and Stefan's wedding is already in a committed and loving relationship. Each and every person at the ceremony will only have eyes for their mate and will have felt that way for most of their lives. In fact, census data tells us that Vermont is a state where 99% of the inhabitants are in a marriage or civil union that they find "intoxicatingly fulfilling". Therefore, the likelihood of there being any green coded names on the list is virtually nil because every person has the good sense to know that the lonely and hermetic existence of the unloved is unhealthy and to be avoided. My suggestion - make your "flirting pool" the margarita punchbowl.

Dive in!

- The Wedding Planner

Support

Dear Wedding Planner,

As a good friend of the bride, I am concerned. I could try and explain (by going back 37 years to the root of it) but I'll be brief. Basically, the bride is very uncomfortable with being the center of attention. She just cannot stand it. Since this is HER wedding and she will be showered with love, affection and attention, I anticipate a complete withdrawal, or worse!

As guests, is there anything we should be doing to help her in this situation?

Sigmund

Dear Sigmund,

Some psychoanalytic theory states that a shy bride is just a shy bride. And there are other theories that say a shy bride is a phallus. Whatever the reason behind this reticent behavior, one thing is clear ... the bride will need to be "reborn" through a process known as "rebirthing" or "compression" therapy where all close friends sit on her the night before the big day, feeding her only cold oatmeal while the "sitters" enjoy tasty snacks, beverage, long, long rambling toasts and dancing. After this evening is over, she will be "reborn" into her wedding day and her discomfort with all the attention will be replaced by a relief that she can once again breathe.

This therapy has a very high success rate and I am SURE she will thank you for your help and concern. Either that or she will revert to the anal phase.

- The Wedding Planner

Tone

Dear Wedding Planner,

I'm in a quandary. It's really hard to strike the proper balance between 'Yeah, wedding's are alright I guess' and 'I'm marrying the woman of my dreams' - what do you recommend?

- The Groom

Dear Groom,

Celebrating your union can certainly be a roller coaster of emotions! Often the pressure to act perfectly becomes overwhelming and it is hard to find balance in the flurry of plans and activities. Just remember, this is a magical time for you and your betrothed. You should cherish this time together as you look forward to the co-mingling of your souls. Just relax, perhaps try some meditation, yoga or hot teas. Not for you? How about gambling, tequila and big hunks of cheese?

You should also try a Xanex for that nightmare you’ve described.

- The Wedding Planner

Performances

Dear As A Wedding Planner,

I am considering making an appearance during the wedding weekend in the costume of an S&M clown--"Randy," one half of a duo that originally included the bride to be in the guise of "Crotchety Ann." I would like this appearance to be sort of a "Cath Kane, This Is Your Life," moment, with Randy a little fuller in the belly and his red yarn hair a little thinner on top, and a bit jaded about the 17 less-than-successful years that have passed since he last saw Crotchety Ann.

Do you think Randy's appearance would be best:

a) As guests arrive to the wedding ceremony?

b) As the ceremony begins. (I picture running up to the barn, beating on the doors or a window, and yelling "Cane! Cane!" somewhat like Dustin Hoffman does in the Graduate.)

c) As the bride and groom leave the ceremony?

d) During the toasts at the reception?

Also, do you know of anyone in East Burke who would rents by the hour a red 1968 Alfa Romeo Spider convertible?

Oh, and have you ever seen Stephan in a fist fight? Does he punch hard? It's probably better that I know in advance.

Thanks, your Pal,

Randy

Dear Randy,

Have you seen Stefan? Clearly he doesn’t punch at all so, I suggest you stay in costume the entire weekend.

- The Wedding Planner

Hygeine

dear wedding planner:

I plan on staying in a tent and when i camp i get grubby.

is bathing required during the weekend?

sincerely,

grubby tenter

Dear Grubby-

Nothing is required when we are celebrating the magical co-mingling of two cherished souls. However, from the way you have phrased your question, it sounds as if you are bringing a one man tent. If you plan to keep it that way, then bathing is certainly optional.

- The Wedding Planner