Performances

Dear As A Wedding Planner,

I am considering making an appearance during the wedding weekend in the costume of an S&M clown--"Randy," one half of a duo that originally included the bride to be in the guise of "Crotchety Ann." I would like this appearance to be sort of a "Cath Kane, This Is Your Life," moment, with Randy a little fuller in the belly and his red yarn hair a little thinner on top, and a bit jaded about the 17 less-than-successful years that have passed since he last saw Crotchety Ann.

Do you think Randy's appearance would be best:

a) As guests arrive to the wedding ceremony?

b) As the ceremony begins. (I picture running up to the barn, beating on the doors or a window, and yelling "Cane! Cane!" somewhat like Dustin Hoffman does in the Graduate.)

c) As the bride and groom leave the ceremony?

d) During the toasts at the reception?

Also, do you know of anyone in East Burke who would rents by the hour a red 1968 Alfa Romeo Spider convertible?

Oh, and have you ever seen Stephan in a fist fight? Does he punch hard? It's probably better that I know in advance.

Thanks, your Pal,

Randy

Dear Randy,

Have you seen Stefan? Clearly he doesn’t punch at all so, I suggest you stay in costume the entire weekend.

- The Wedding Planner

Hygeine

dear wedding planner:

I plan on staying in a tent and when i camp i get grubby.

is bathing required during the weekend?

sincerely,

grubby tenter

Dear Grubby-

Nothing is required when we are celebrating the magical co-mingling of two cherished souls. However, from the way you have phrased your question, it sounds as if you are bringing a one man tent. If you plan to keep it that way, then bathing is certainly optional.

- The Wedding Planner

Food

Dear Wedding Planner,

I have been reading your column and finding it very helpful. The question I have is this: I am not a vegan. Will there be anything I can eat at Cath and Stefan's wedding? I lost five pounds at a recent wedding where all they served was salad. Would it be really inappropriate to bring some meatloaf in a small, white igloo cooler?

Yours,

Fed up

Dear Fed,

I think it wonderful that you would think to match your igloo cooler to the virginal white dress of the bride! But, in answer to your question - at this point the there is still some discussion as to whether the buffet should be strictly vegan or kosher raw only. So, if there is any concern that one of these diets may present a health problem, by all means, bring your meatloaf. However, I suggest, for etiquette sake, that you tell other guests you are diabetic and inject the meat intravenously.

Be well.

- The Wedding Planner

Vermont Governance

Dear Wedding Planner,

Who rules the Northeast Kingdom? An autocratic monarch or a benevolent dictator? I ask because I am a recently-deposed ruler looking for a new home and people to enslave.

Cordially,

Fallen despot

Dear Fallen,

In answer to your festive question - over the past twenty years, Vermont has experienced many and varied systems of governance - from benevolent dictatorship (Howard Dean) to New York style socialism (Bernard Sanders) to autocratic diarchy (Ben and Jerry). Nobody can say that Vermonters' leadership hasn’t run the gamut politically! Of course, since the Northeast Kingdom unofficially seceded from the state in 1982, it has leaned toward anarchic consensus governance with an incarnate head of state. However, between you and me, currently the Kingdom is between rulers. For the time being, while the public comes to an agreement on what form the new order should take, temporary leadership has been granted to a Holstein in Irasburg. So, from a wedding planner’s point of view, August 23^rd would be an excellent opportunity to start a fledgling colonial empire! Furthermore, Cath and Stefan’s wedding should be a great place to initiate enslavement as there will many subjects there with childbearing hips and healthy teeth.

Good Luck!

- The Wedding Planner

Etiquette

Dear Wedding Planner,

I have attended many of Cath and Stefan's parties in the past and it seems that anything goes. There has always been all manner of lewd behavior, trash talk and iffy language. Will the wedding be different? Can you give any tips on what is allowed and what crosses the lines of decorum?

Sincerely,

Freak-on

Dear Freak,

Weddings should always display the individual character of the couple. Remember we are celebrating the uniqueness of their love and that can be demonstrated in many ways. For example, one delightful couple for whom I planned a wedding loved puppies so, the obvious choice was to cover the tables with real puppy fur and to allow barking and chew toys. In the case of Cath and Stefan, we do not want to limit behaviors that come naturally to them and even work to cement their union. Therefore, freaking will be allowed with the following exceptions:

1. Animals
2.Pregnant Ladies
3. Babies
4. The Water Supply

So let's stick to these few rules and keep things fun for everyone!

-The Wedding Planner

Sanitation

Dear Wedding Planner,

Do you think there will be bathrooms at Cath and Stefan's wedding? I've never used an outhouse, and I'm afraid of splinters and spiders.
Please reply soon. My therapist is very busy.
Yours,

Slightly Creeped Out

Dear Slightly,

Don't be silly, Vermont is not habitat for any large spider species and the toilet seats will be of the finest terracotta. So, no chance of spider bites or splinters! I would be far more afraid of bears and VD.

-The Wedding Planner

Dress

Dear Wedding Planner,

I hear that there is a costume portion of this weekend and I was wondering if you could confirm this. Once said portion of costuming is confirmed, is there a costume theme at all?

On the topic of dress and various states of undress, what is the dress code in general? Is clothing actually required? When you say casual I think shorts and maybe a collared short sleeve shirt but when people say casual in NYC it means two steps above that. What step should we plan for?

Yours,

Costumed and Casual

Dear Costumed,

There are so many definitions of casual that it can make dressing ones self for special occasions a true puzzler! In New York City, often casual will mean fishnets and headbands but I know at my work, when we say "Casual Fridays", we often mean naked. One man's casual cummerbund is another man's fancy, thick, satin belt!

To answer your question, you should probably plan for everything. I know that many guests have discussed bringing a wardrobe trailer and stylist and, while that may be a little over the top, you might want to consider at least a lighting assistant. As a point of reference, the bride will have 5 costume changes in the first 10 minutes of the ceremony that range from madras collared shirts to a wimple.

As far as the costume portion of the wedding, the theme, of course, this year is the environment. In a time of global climate crisis, we can show our love for mother earth by honoring her with costume and then spilling wine down ourselves.


- The Wedding Planner

Favors

Dear Wedding Planner,

What is something really special that we could give as wedding favors? I know that Cath and Stefan will have something perfect but I can't think of anything perfect for my own wedding.

Another VT Bride

Dear Another,

Wedding favors allow guests to take a little piece of the celebration home. One example of a wonderful favor idea is centerpieces made with food, flowers, animals, trinkets or a combination. These little gifts have their own individual charm. Mass them together, and they take on a whole new look and meaning. How about a pile of fresh donuts and slugs? Who wouldn't love to have a condom wrapped in a banana leaf to commemorate the day? And don't hesitate to give out something more bold like a handsome Vermont crockery full of lava. If you wish, place a small calligraphic card reading "Take me!" next to the centerpiece or attach tags to the favors to let your intentions be known.

Just between you and me, Cath and Stefan are giving out hunskis as favors.

-The Wedding Planner

Footwear

Dear Wedding Planner,

I'm in a quandary about the right shoes to wear to Cath and Stefan's wedding-- a grassy slope in Northeastern Vermont in mid August! I certainly want to be fashionable, but also want good traction. Any thoughts?

Shoeless and Clueless

Dear Shoeless,

Of course, fashion is always subjective but there are certain classic pairings that should be observed such as these obvious ones: if you are wearing a terry robe, footwear should be slippers- preferably ones with Muppet characters. If you are wearing a mu mu, shoes should be macrame. Tweed Suit/Pink Jellies. Chaps/flippers. You get the idea.

But, you are right to consider the added element of traction so, I suggest that whatever classic pairing you decide upon, you then add a layer of whale blubber, easily obtained from Norwegian convenience stores. That should keep you from having an embarrassing tumble!

- The Wedding Planner

Children

Dear Wedding Planner,

Do you have any suggestions for what we can do to keep our kids busy during the wedding? We have never been to Vermont before and are unsure if there are activities available there that are wholesome and educational for our children.

- Matronly in Missouri

Dear Matronly,

Weddings are a time of celebration for everyone including the little ones! But sometimes our tiny bundles of joy can get in the way of our own fun. Therefore, I have made a list of possible activities that are seasonal, educational and will help you children immerse themselves in the culture of the Green Mountain State. For any child under six, these five activities will be a veritable barrel of monkeys!!

1. Sheep wrangling - The Kanes are well known for their agility with sheep. Michael can show the kids how to throw a ram for distance and Linda can demonstrate the finer points of tucking a ewe under each armpit for warmth.

2. Jell-O wrestling - naked or in bathing suits, depending on weather. This is a time honored VT tradition. Really!

3. Hand-made fireworks - Sadly, in much of the world children are no longer allowed to make fireworks. Unjust laws have outlawed this ancient craft in many states, but not VT. Hey kids, let's combine a fuse, some explosives and a handful of lovely maple leaves and we'll have a display that will light up the chilly VT evening!

4. Shooting range - Don't worry, gun shy parents -not handguns! Just rifles. In Vermont shooting is not just a sport, it is a lifestyle so, please don't take this activity lightly- make sure to get your kids a NRA sticker for their car seat BEFORE we lock and load.

5. The Northeast Kingdom has a thriving arts community with many musical and theater options even in small towns. In Burke, the local Children's Theater offers free acting workshops for kids. The weekend of the 23rd, 5 and unders will be performing the Vagina Monologues.

Last, there is always the option of leaving your child at a kennel. Hope this helps!

-The Wedding Planner